Remember those fears I mentioned last month? Here’s one for you; rejection. Every email becomes another wave, and they keep coming all too frequently. These waves don’t stop, I don’t think they will until I drown, and I think I’m almost there. Every day there’s a new email, another reminder that I’m not quite good enough for them, and that’s just me on paper. In the rare chance I do get an interview it always feels like I’m trying too hard. And why do interviewers tell you that they’d let you know but then they never do. That’s another sort of rejection, the reel you in and ghost. That happens all too often on the dating sites. I don’t know if you can tell but that whole area isn’t going well either. Love lives are weird. I’m not very apt at the whole dating thing and it shows. I know things will happen when they’re supposed to, but I just want to have the experience.
I’m craving all of the experiences lately, I just want to do all of the things and have all of the adventures. I think that’s due to being cooped up for so long, or it’s just that time of my life I guess. I’m just wanting to go somewhere, anywhere, all of the time. I haven’t been anywhere since January maybe? Oh how I miss going. It’s one thing to go places locally, but there’s something about a new place or a place less travelled. We went to Newcastle this week, just for the day but my word was it delightful! I think just being in a place that was a bit unfamiliar really lifted my soul. It was new and exciting and I want more. I want to go more, but when you’re so reliant on others to get you to the places you want to go, whether it’s public transport operators or friends and family, it’s something that points me in a direction that is neither desirable nor fulfilling. I know if I got my walking boots on I could rely solely on myself, and maybe it would do me the world of good, but I’m just too damn scared to do it alone. I want to do a bit of solo travelling but I’m too worried that I’ll end up turning inward and start isolating myself before I’ve even met anyone. I know I’ll get stuck in a loop and that is something I’m trying not to do, because it makes me scared and dark.
I must watch out for myself, and I know that. I’m the only one that can change what I’m ultimately feeling, but maybe I’m too lazy. I’m so lazy. I admit it, I’m definitely one for taking a shortcut, even though I love getting around to places and working things out. I’m too cheap as well, things cost money and I am not willing to spend it, even on things I ultimately need.
I’m scared of money, time, loneliness, heights, rejection, love, spiders, and being so far out of my comfort zone that I don’t know how to return.
I need comfort zones outside of the one I already have.
I’d like to be comfortable with having fears.
Fears are okay.
Being scared is human.
Love,
Jess.
frommonstersview 