Can you believe we’ve made it to a new year. Honestly, I’m finding it hard to. All the same stuff is happening, just with a different number in the year. We still have a rotten housing situation, we still have mice, we are still cold indoors, I’m still hurting, I’m still too busy to think, I still can’t sleep, I’m still stressed, and I’m still sad.
This sadness won’t shake. I don’t quite know how I’m not crying in front of everyone always, how there’s a seemingly happy face walking around in public. I want to go home. But I’m not sure where home is. I don’t want to be by myself (surrounded by people) anymore.
I said last month that I have to keep moving forward but how does that work when you’re stuck. Stuck in every which way. Stuck in the sadness. Stuck in place. Stuck thinking too much and not at all, all at the same time. There has to be a reason for this. My dad would say its character building, but I’m not so sure.
I’m stuck feeling excited and scared at the same time. I’m excited to be graduating and getting out of this place. I’m excited to start something new. But I’m scared to leave people behind again, and probably never see them. I’m scared to start from scratch. I’m scared to have to go into the unknown, again. My brain hurts with all of this back and forth. I don’t think I know where, or who, I am anymore.
I have to get back to being motivated. I’m not sure I know how to do that.
I’m not sure how to ask for help to find who I am.
I’m not sure I’m ready.
Last year started out so well.
And this year, well its the beginning of the end and the beginning of the beginning, all rolled into one.