In the days leading up to my birthday I normally get a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach and at the back of my throat. I don’t know what it is but I do know it sends thoughts racing around my head and it came later than usual this year. There hasn’t really been that big of a fuss about it this year; this house is too busy to just focus on one person. Although there’s never a focus on just one person on this day every year, especially when I’ve always shared my birthday with my brothers, and I absolutely love that.
There has been so many people crossing the threshold of this house in the past month that most days start blurring into more, which is good because it has kept me busy and on my toes, but some days I’m not sure which way is up or down. We’ve had foster babies come into our crazy house, and people visit from England so we’ve gone on some adventures, learning about these new people in my life and I really have enjoyed that, but it’s just been a bit emotional lately, with no time to let it all out.
It started out rough last year, and really it’s the same this year, only it has lasted the entire day. Sure there was a moment where there was a glimmer of hope, calmness in the air, but it didn’t last. I don’t want to sound ungrateful for the things and well wishes I received off the people that surround me today, because I truly am grateful, but I cannot honestly say to people that it was the best birthday I have had, really it wasn’t even a good one. The things that have been said today by myself and by others frightens me sometimes, but more so because it was supposed to be a happy day, or at least not a horrible day. I lost count of how many times I said “shoot me” today. I lost count of how many times I wanted to just get in the car and drive some place, any place, just to get away to breathe. I wanted someone, anyone, to ask me to do something, to take away this feeling. But that’s when I remember that I am that person, the person that would drop anything to help anyone and everyone if I could. I truly feel alone. So very alone. Today was not one of my good days, today got too much for all the wrong reasons. Saying things like this is why I sometimes don’t want to share this blog with people I know. It’s also the reason I haven’t shared it with my mum even though she is my go-to and the person I tell everything too, but mum if you are reading this at some point in this life, these are the things I wanted to say to you but couldn’t. I’m sorry about that. I just didn’t want to worry you that’s all.
This past year has been something like a movie, going past my eyes faster than I want it too. 21 started out rocky, but it wouldn’t be my birthday if I didn’t have a cry at some point in the day, but look at all the things I have done in the past year. I’m super proud of most of the things I have accomplished; I just hope that I will be able to replicate that feeling.
This is the year I’m going to have to make the most of. I have no idea where I will be this time next year, now that I’ve made the decision to not apply for my Canadian citizenship and the Atlantic ocean is creating too much of a divide for one family too take.
I want to be able to look back on these blogs this time next year and successfully say that I made the most of my opportunities when I was 22.
And that starts today.
22 starts today.
P.S. Happy Father’s Day dad, and Happy Birthday big brothers.